


Who Dares To Love Forever?

by everybody_koiya



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale's ring, Crowley used to be Raphael bandwagon, Dreams, M/M, Memory Loss, deadnames, fluff to angst to fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-05-18 11:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19333609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everybody_koiya/pseuds/everybody_koiya
Summary: "Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes."akaAziraphale falls asleep.





	Who Dares To Love Forever?

**Author's Note:**

> Title borrowed from Queen song "Who Wants To Live Forever".

Aziraphale rarely slept. He laid a polite distance away from the sleeping Crowley each night, he himself preferring to stay awake and think, always about something different. The bookshop, how to make Crowley's plants flourish without him noticing his intervention, which restaurant to try next... But lately, there was a thought, buzzing like a fly in his brain that wouldn't leave him be.

He remembered, because how could he forget, that Crowley was an angel before he was the serpent of Eden. As they stood on the wall, above the Eastern Gate, he felt a tingle of recognition when he first saw him. The red curls, the sharp features, even his voice was eerily familiar. Yet, he had no memories of meeting or even seeing him prior to their conversation on the wall.

It really wasn't Crowley's former angelic identity he cared about - he loved him as a demon, even if he still had trouble admitting it. He just didn't know how or when he saw him, or who the fallen angel was to him before being cast out, and it bothered him to no extent. When he asked Crowley, he said he remembered, but wouldn't say anything, no matter how sweetly Aziraphale tried to persuade him. "You wouldn't believe me," he always told him. _Try me_ , he always responded mentally.

Little did they know Aziraphale would get the answer to his every question very soon.  
  
One night, after a busy day of reorganising the bookshop, Aziraphale fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow beside Crowley. He couldn't help it, his human body was in need of energy, and who was he to rob it of it? When he dozed off, his dream took flight. Or at least, what he thought was a dream.

* * * * *

There he was, back in Heaven. It was the third day of creation, and Aziraphale, along with his fellow cherubim, watched in awe as God shaped the Earth they were made to guard. As trees and bushes rose from the freshly formed ground, Aziraphale took notice of a young archangel with long, unruly red curls, standing near Her and spectating the greenery with his mouth open. "Almighty, are the grass and the flowers and the trees living beings as we are?" he asked, brown eyes shimmering with curiosity.  
  
The Almighty smiled, as did Aziraphale in the distance. But before either of them could do anything, another archangel he recognised to be Gabriel stepped in to speak. "Don't bother the Almighty with your questions. The Ineffable Plan is not to be questioned."  
  
"Good idea, my child." spoke God. Gabriel looked bewildered, and the cherub spectating from afar could hardly stop himself from laughing. "I'll give them the gift of life my other creations will receive. This way, the Earth can be the home of living things entirely." The curious one was beaming. "But be careful, archangel. It is never right to know things you aren't supposed to be aware of before the time comes." she explained.  
  
The redhead angel looked a little discouraged as he nodded. Before he knew it, Aziraphale found himself heading up to him.  
  
"Hello" he said gently, not to scare the young angel, who looked at him with the same curiosity he saved for plants. Then it dawned on him. _Crowley_. He had _Crowley's_ face.  
  
"Hello" said Crowley quietly. The Aziraphale that was dreaming found this incredibly endearing. He wondered if they had really met like that. "You are a cherub, aren't you? With a flaming sword."  
  
"Precisely." the blond smiled. "I'm Aziraphale, by the way. Delighted to meet you." he extended a hand which Crowley shook without hesitation.  
  
"I'm-" His lips were moving, but no sound came out as he was saying his name. It was like the kind of censorship he saw on TV when somebody cursed - minus the beeping. "Nice to meet you, too." The dreaming angel was certain this isn't how it happened, if it did. Crowley had a name. Crowley had an angel's name before he fell, and the Aziraphale of then knew it. Only he couldn't recall it for some reason, and it frustrated him. He'd never forget something like that unless they forcibly wiped it out of his mind.  
  
The pictures just kept on coming, and Aziraphale quite enjoyed dreaming for the first time in his existence. He watched as Crowley's importance as an angel rose for his idea of breathing life into plants. His particular favourite moment was seeing him join forces with Gabriel and God Herself, as they created stars and moons and planets with care. Aziraphale had never felt more at peace.

But naturally, with greater power came the greater amount of whispers behind one's back. Angels of all ranks discussed Crowley and his 'dangerous curiosity' in hushed sentences on the days four to seven.

"He's venturing lower and lower with every question," they giggled. "The Almighty will cast him out in no time," others said. But most angels simply settled for a "He doesn't belong here." 

Aziraphale refused to believe them. While Crowley did associate with archangels like Azrael and Samael, who were both less than good influences, his company did not define him. The Crowley in his dream hadn't yet had the walls present-day Crowley built around his heart. The passionate, knowledgeable young thing with a sparkle in his eyes attracted him like a magnet, drawing him in and holding him so close it was nearly sinful. Aziraphale smiled in his sleep.  
  
The next thing he saw was from the sixth day of creation, as he and Crowley watched Adam and Eve come alive. As the first humans made eye contact, and took their first, uncertain steps towards one another, Aziraphale looked at Crowley. They both moved to be closer and closer, until they met in the middle to finally close the last bit of distance between them. Their kiss was more of a chaste, cautious but sweet press of lips, a testing of the waters. Both Aziraphales could sense shivers running down their spines, ruffling their feathers. What he wouldn't give for one of those in real life, just once, just for a moment...

Present-day Aziraphale felt something pure surge through him as they pulled away and smiled at each other, something akin to what he felt in Tadfield. _Love_. Had he been in love with him all this time, even longer than he estimated? If just a simple vision exuded such strong emotions, could it be... it actually happened? 

Dream-Aziraphale gazed at his pinky finger, Crowley following suit. They shared rings now neither of them had seen before. The very ring Aziraphale had worn ever since he knew himself. _Oh, of course_ , thought Present-Aziraphale, mentally slapping himself on the forehead.  _Of course everything was real. Of **fucking** course he's the one._

* * * * *

Before we go on with Aziraphale's dream, there's something the reader must know. 

When two angels fall in love, their bond creates a force so pure and strong it needs to be contained, as it burns with a fire that could easily destroy a planet like Earth. For such purposes, Rings of Unity were forged, golden bands engraved with the rune of love. They symbolise a togetherness, almost like they were one soul in two bodies. The unity ensures that as long as either of them is wearing the ring, the couple will always find their way back to one another, however far they should drift apart. 

We know of only two archangels having worn such rings (just to clarify: not with one another). Archangel Raphael was stripped of his when he fell. Archangel Michael stopped wearing hers after her beloved fell, but continues carrying it in her pocket.

* * * * *

The ring was sacred for him all his existence. He never once took it off, even if he doubted the angel wearing the other ring would ever come visit him. He thought they might even be dead. Yet he waited and waited, because one day, maybe, they would show up on his doorstep, and he'd recognise them immediately. How was he supposed to figure out that Crowley was the other half he would never be apart from? Although, he had to admit it was blatantly obvious now. No matter where life took him, somehow, Crowley was always nearby.

Aziraphale cursed himself for forgetting. How could he not remember these times, when he was free to love him, times that were happier and less confusing?  
  
Oh.  
  
Of course he didn't. Only the fallen angels themselves remember their lives before the fall, even if all their angelic powers and possessions (like rings) are ripped away from them as they fall. All memory of them are wiped from the mind of those who have met them during their time as an angel.  
  
From then on is when the returning memories started merging with everything Crowley had told him about his Fall before. He saw the archangel standing in front of God's throne, eyes clouded with tears of anger.  
  
"Why is it so wrong to know? To decide?" he shouted.  
  
"It isn't. But to obey and to believe is more important than those. I'm giving them the freedom to choose well or be tempted. The rest depends on them." said the Almighty, deadly calm.  
  
"But..." sobbed Crowley. "Almighty, tell me why! Why are you giving them a responsibility far too large to handle? How do they even know which choice is right?" The Aziraphales of then and now both wanted to scream at him to stop and just accept it before he gets in trouble. But they were both too far away.  
  
"I give everyone precisely the amount of responsibility they can carry. How they handle it is up to them. They don't need saving, my child." Her voice was cold. Aziraphale shared worried looks with the cherubim nearby. They all knew what was coming.  
  
"No. Not saving. Guidance. Which you are refusing them." Crowley stated through gritted teeth. "They're the first ever humans, they have no idea how the world works! You might know what to do in a situation like this, but they don't! What are you afraid of? That once they are aware of what's right or wrong, they won't listen to you anymore?"  
  
God stood up. Angels all around gasped, including Aziraphale. Crowley, himself, looked frightened. Yet he didn't back down or ask for forgiveness. If he fell, he'd fall with his head raised high. That's something Aziraphale had always loved about him. But he wasn't ready to see him fall. The Aziraphale in his dream was crying.  
  
"Why don't we put them to the test together? You and I. See the humans you defend for what they are with your own eyes, _Crawly_." She said.

Crowley's eyes, however, darted towards Aziraphale. The cherub saw the warm brown eyes turn amber, his pupils narrowing to slits. "Aziraphale..." his voice trembled. And Aziraphale wanted to run to him, Heaven knows he tried. But the moment he did, his colleagues held him back, whispering him quiet 'I'm sorry'-s. It was no use. The clouds dissolved under Crowley's feet, and soon enough, he was no longer anywhere to be seen.  
  
The angels ran to the gaping hole where Crowley had stood moments before, and watched as he fell. Well, not so much fall as descend in a whirlwind. His clothes and wings were flaming from the speed and air pressure, slowly turning from pure white to pitch black. He was reaching out with his arms, in vain.  
  
Aziraphale couldn't bear to look. He walked away instead, his vision clouded by tears. And five minutes later, the tears, and all memory of him was gone.

* * * * *

"Angel!" he heard a distressed cry from far away. "Angel, you're scaring me, wake up!"  
  
_Remember him, Aziraphale_ , the voice of the Almighty echoed in his head. But to the former cherub, it sounded more like: _You're free, Aziraphale._  
  
"Angel, can you hear me?" said the voice he knew well, as Aziraphale slowly opened his eyes. "Christ, you've been crying!" the demon stated the obvious as he cupped his face, wiping his tears with his thumbs, wincing as they burned his skin. Waking up felt so sudden the bedroom was still spinning with Aziraphale. But the pair of amber eyes, staring into his with widened pupils knocked him back into reality. The exact same look as the one before he fell. "What can I do for you?" he was worried. Honestly worried.

"Clarify a few things, if you don't mind." he responded, his voice still raspy. Crowley nodded, and pulled away slightly to give him space. "We have met when you were an angel. On the third day. Is this true?"

Crowley furrowed his brows. "How do you know that?"

"Is it true or not?"

"Yes." he answered. "To be fair, you were the first angel I saw after being created. Would've loved to talk sooner, but I didn't know what to say. So I just hoped you'd notice I've been ssssssstaring." he slapped his hands on his mouth, blushing. "Sssorry." he cleared his throat. "Happens when I get carried away."

"No problem." smiled Aziraphale, not really believing what Crowley said. What is there about him that can be stared at? "Okay, next question. This ring," he raised his hand. "You know what it means, don't you?" 

"I do."

"Was the other one yours before you fell?"

Crowley nodded, biting his lip. He refused to look at Aziraphale, who rejoiced in the rare sight of a flustered Crowley. He could only hope he didn't misjudge it, and it wasn't embarrassment or regret.

"Right. Good." he smiled to himself. "And your name-" he stopped there. Crowley looked up at him like a deer in headlights. The final, stuck cog turned inside the angel's brain, and, after so long, he remembered everything. "... _Raphael_." The name rolled off his tongue like a prayer. It was always right there, in the back of his mind and in the bottom of his heart, ready to be remembered again.

"What did you say?" Crowley whispered, his slit pupils now nearly circular.  
  
"Raphael. That's your name, isn't it?" he asked uncertainly.

"It _was_ , but... you aren't supposed to remember it. Did you always have?" The demon looked at him with disbelief.

"No, no. Just now. I guess the Almighty decided it's okay now that we've cut ties more-or-less." he shrugged. "Do you not want me to remember you?"  
  
"By the stars, yes I do!" cried Crowley immediately, collapsing onto the angel's shoulder, arms wrapped around him. Aziraphale would've been lying if he said he wasn't surprised by the sudden affection. But then again, also if he said he didn't enjoy it. "Aziraphale, I..." he cut himself off. Aziraphale mentally added this to the list of occasions Crowley called him by his name. It wasn't very long.

"Are you alright there?" he asked, after a far too long silence. Crowley pulled back with a sigh and looked at him.

"I just want you to keep in mind I'm not the same as I was before. Don't look for the angel you loved in me. You might as well take that ring right off." he said.

"Oh, my dear, don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not. What's the use of wearing a ring of love if you aren't in love anymore?"

"And who told you that?" Crowley's jaw dropped a little, the amber of his eyes almost entirely covered by his pupils the size of saucers. A most adorable sight. "I don't have to look for the angel I loved. He's right here, though he looks a little different these days. And I love him just the same." he admitted quietly, nervously, but wholeheartedly. "I'm sorry it took me a while."

Crowley kissed him. Kissed him like it was salvation, like he'd disappear the moment he let go and Aziraphale returned it with enthusiasm to match, arms thrown around the demon's neck. He nearly moaned feeling the shivering feeling he yearned for ruffle his feathers, his fingers pressing a little stronger into Crowley's skin. Now that he was aware they started something many long millenia ago, he intended to continue.

"Listen," began Crowley in vain, before Aziraphale tugged him back for another kiss. "Angel, behave." he chuckled when he pulled away, holding a long finger up to stop him from repeating his previous action. "Just one more thing. I'm glad you remember what we had, really. I've hoped you would ever since I lost you. And I adore hearing you say the name from before. You actually make it sound meaningful. But that's not my name anymore." he lowered his gaze. So  _that's_ what he was trying to tell him all this time! "Raphael and Crawly were both names given to a long gone person from long gone times. I chose Crowley for myself. And I'd like to stay Crowley."

The angel took hold of both his demon's hands, and brought them to his lips. "Then that's exactly how it shall be." he pressed a kiss to his knuckles. "Though I hope 'my dear' is still okay." Crowley's lips pulled into a grin. His curious eyes were shining as he looked at Aziraphale.

"Heavenly."

**Author's Note:**

> Azrael is the angel of death, and Samael a rebellious angel according to my research - they're supposed to be the wrong people he hung around.
> 
> Fun fact: as I was writing the scene where Crowley asks Aziraphale to keep calling him Crowley, I went out to my balcony to get some fresh air after sitting in my room all day. The first thing I saw was a crow sitting on a tree nearby, staring into the distance. I think the Almighty's tryna tell me something...


End file.
